I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”