The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?