Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.