I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.