surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard