me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Just how popey was the pope today?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.