It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”