Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Need WebMD
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
She was REALLY feeling it.