Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train