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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
#oldknees
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes