I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You Might Also Like
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving