Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
same bro
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?