Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.