Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.