A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?