Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
#parenting
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no