I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
jesus, what did this guy do
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Bike for sale
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.