My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
New mindset, who dis?