I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending