Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy