If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.