The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I’ve had relationships like this
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you