My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.