At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.