If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.