If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Not today, today.
Not today.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?