Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.