I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Your honor these allegations are
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave