Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I drew y’all a little something.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.