Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?