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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
💯😂
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My sex drive has a dui
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.