Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Salad is the decaf of food.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Lmao
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
they finally got him. they got macavity
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING