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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.