Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.