“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
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I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked