[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.