the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
🍞🦆
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.