*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
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furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”