Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
You Might Also Like
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me