im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Cause of death: Zumba
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?