I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
i love modern commerce
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.