okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority