GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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*seductively eats two tums*
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Care for your back
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I have obtained a hat
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.