Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.