Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.