[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.