[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
this is the news I live for
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*