My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners