It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”