I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*